You know me, I'm a crime reporter. I like my coffee like I like my police reports: chock-full of crack cocaine.

So when Death Wish Coffee Company sent a press release claiming that its coffee was the "most highly caffeinated premium dark roast organic coffee in the world," I immediately sent an intern to find me some. Apparently, the company has a guy, because it found a bean that has 200-percent more caffeine than your average coffee shop's bean.

Not only that, Death Wish guarantees your money back if the cup isn't the strongest you've ever had. Who better to judge its power than a reporter whose daily coffee intake could keep four Latin American Fair Trade farms in business for a month?

I spent three days drinking the self-proclaimed "masterful blend" exclusively, using a French press. No, it's not supposed to be made stronger by way of French press -- but my death wish is a wolverine riding an intercontinental ballistic missile over the Grand Canyon into my face, so I did it anyway.

I'll admit, before I drank Death Wish Coffee when I arrived at the office oh-so-early, I was all like:

About 15 minutes later, I was all like:

But is it the strongest, most amazing cup in the world? No. Let me break it down for you:

Taste

I'll happily go to the grimiest deli in Brooklyn and fill up a 20-ounce styrofoam cup with coffee that's been burning for five hours and leave without adding sugar or milk. Matched up with that, Death Wish is delicious.

I shouldn't be so harsh, though -- it's not a terrible tasting cup of coffee. In fact, it's not even the darkest roast I've ever seen. As you may know, the lighter the roast, the higher the caffeine content. This is a dark roast, but with Robusta beans rather than Arabica, which has a lower caffeine content. This stuff is palatable without sugar or milk, and has a smooth finish. Dark roast fans will enjoy its bold smoothness. But that's not why we're here.

Indeed, that "World's Strongest Coffee" claim is supposed to come from the buzz.

Buzz

As I write this, I'm pretty high. Sometimes I drink enough coffee at the office that I'll blast "Hold The Line" by Toto or the Top Gun anthem, then stand up and dance for anyone who will watch. After two cups of French-pressed Death Wish, I'm not at that point yet. My hands aren't shaking.

That said, giving me a buzz after two cups is a feat that few coffee enemas have achieved, so I can attest there is a small caffeine explosion going on in my cup right now.

Overall

I'll continue to drink Death Wish until the bag is gone. But I probably won't seek out another bag, even with my extreme caffeine addiction. It's probably not worth buying on flavor alone, and the kick isn't so fever-inducing that I want to start a soul train in the Huffington Post nap room.

I'll leave you with a quote from my boss, who probably gave a better review.

"Meh, it's a cup of coffee," he said after his first sip. Fifteen minutes later, he said, "I'm kinda high right now."

ALSO ON HUFFPOST:

Loading Slideshow

• McFeather In McNugget

  In March 2012, a woman claims she found a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/20/mcnugget-has-feather_n_1367461.html?ref=food&ir=Food" target="_hplink">McFeather in her McNugget.</a>

• Animal Toe In Spinach Artichoke Dip

  Andrew Brodsky, 35, found an unidentified animal toe</a> in his container of Sabra Spinach & Artichoke dip.

• Coil In Fried Chicken

  In January 2012, fifty-year-old bus driver Lajzer Grynsztajn claims he <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/30/man-swallows-2-inch-coil_n_1242472.html?1330621038" target="_hplink">nearly choked to death</a> on such a coil after ordering two chicken breasts and fries from JFK Fried Chicken in Sunset Park, Brooklyn. <em>Photo by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/andrea_nguyen/6242324853/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_hplink">Flickr user: Andrea_Nguyen</a></em>

• Mouse In Big Mac Buns

  In January 2011, a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/17/mouse-in-big-mac_n_1210372.html?" target="_hplink">mouse got trapped in a bag of Big Mac buns</a> at a Philadelphia McDonald's.

• Whopper Spit Case

  A deputy sheriff alleges that someone spit in his Whopper...and the case has made it to the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/11/whopper-spit-case-edward-bylsma_n_1200044.html" target="_hplink">Supreme Court</a> as of January 2012.

• Semen In Yogurt

  A grocery store worker <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/06/semen-tainted-yogurt-anthony-garcia_n_998868.html" target="_hplink">pleaded guilty to handing out a semen-tainted yogurt sample</a> at an Albuquerque market.

• Fingertip In Applebee's Salad

  Louisiana woman Mary Deal Chambers-Johnson sued Applebee's for damages after she claimed a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/08/fingertip-applebees-salad_n_954530.html" target="_hplink">fingertip in her lunch salad</a> gave her post-traumatic stress disorder.

• Fly In Yogurt

  A Chinese woman found a fly in her yogurt in July 2011. When she asked for compensation, the manufacturer asked her <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/11/mealbreakers-yogurt-fly-autopsy_n_924617.html" target="_hplink">to prove that the fly had died before she opened the container -- by getting the insect autopsied</a>. (Flies can not be autopsied.)

• Bloody Bandaid In Pizza Hut Pizza

  An upstate New York man found <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/01/mealbreakers-bandaid-pizza-hut_n_915489.html#s319946&title=Disemboweled_Mouse_In" target="_hplink">a bloody bandaid in baked into the crust of his Pizza Hut pizza</a> in June of 2011. He sued after the company failed to address his concerns.

• Disemboweled Mouse In Packaged Salad

  A couple found <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/30/mealbreakers-mouse-salad-blt-blood_n_887882.html" target="_hplink">a disembowled mouse in their Dole packaged salad mix</a> in June 2011. They'd already started eating the salad by the time they found the mealbreaker; they promptly vomited.

• Human Blood On BLT & Fries

  Cancer survivor Susan Mosher was outraged after she found <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/30/mealbreakers-bloodied-blt_n_888559.html" target="_hplink">human blood on her BLT and fries</a> at a Cracker Barrel in Kingwood, TX, in late June of 2011.

• Caterpillar In Weight Watchers Cake

  A dieting woman found a <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2008450/Dieter-finds-live-caterpillar-Weight-Watchers-snack.html?ITO=1490" target="_hplink">live caterpillar crawling on a Weight Watchers-brand slice of packaged cake</a> in June 2011. She called it gross enough to put her off of cake forever.

• Razor Blade in Wal-Mart Ice Cream

  An East Texas woman found <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeBUII0VFKk" target="_hplink">a razor blade in a carton of Walmart ice cream</a> in February 2011. Considering the danger, she was surprisingly understanding. She told CBS, "I think it's just one of those random accidents that happen. When you make that much of a product and that many products, you're bound to have a machine break."

• Green Pill In Trail Mix

  A Salt Lake City teen was hospitalized after biting into <a href="http://www.abc4.com/content/news/taking_action/story/Salt-Lake-teen-finds-mysterious-capsule-inside/zQSjtTghzEW7b8yHORpxBQ.cspx" target="_hplink">a mysterious green pill in a bag of trail mix</a> she'd bought at Whole Foods in January 2011. The teen felt numbness and pain throughout her throat. Whole Foods recalled the product from stores around Utah.

• Condom In French Onion Soup

  A California man claimed to find <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,534460,00.html" target="_hplink">a condom in his French onion soup</a> at a Clam Jumper restaurant, also in July 2009. The restaurant's PR firm said that they found no evidence of wrongdoing after conducting an investigation of the matter.

• Used Tampon In Steak

  In July 2009, a German tourist claimed to find <a href="http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/local&id=6914735" target="_hplink">a used tampon in his steak</a> at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York.

• Dead Mouse In Bread

  In 2009, a man from Bath, UK found <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/30/dead-mouse-found-in-bread-photo_n_745069.html" target="_hplink">a dead mouse in a loaf of bread</a>.

• Paperclips In Muffins

  At the height of the Beijing Olympics, reporters pounced on the Chinese food industry after <a href="http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/muffins-spur-beijing-scare/story-e6freoof-1111116061193" target="_hplink">athletes found paperclips in muffins served them at an official function</a>. The story's most surprising revelation may just be that Olympic athletes eat muffins.

• Live Bullet In Hot Dog

  No one said hot dogs promote longevity, but it's not like eating a frankfurter is as dangerous as someone sticking a gun in your face--unless your name is Olivia Chaines and you're eating it Costco. The then-31-year-old had <a href="http://www.clickorlando.com/news/3274884/detail.html" target="_hplink">swallowed a piece of a Hebrew National brand hotdog</a> in the shopping aisle of a Costco in May 2004 before she realized that it contained a piece of metal. X-rays revealed that the hot dog had contained a live bullet.

• Semen In Spicy Tuna Sushi Sauce

  A New York woman <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/05/mealbreakers-semen-sushi_n_919778.html#s323488&title=Bloody_Bandaid_In" target="_hplink">sued a sushi bar after she tasted semen in the sauce atop her spicy tuna</a> in June 2008; she says she still has samples frozen in her refrigerator.

• Rodent Tooth In Planter's Peanuts

  In 2006, a 52-year-old man from Illinois sued Kraft Foods for $55,000 to compensate for the physical and emotional distress he suffered after allegedly biting into <a href="http://msnbc.msn.com/id/12843428/" target="_hplink">a "non-human animal tooth" in a container of Planter's Peanuts</a>.

• Gold Tooth In Mars Bar

  Finding <a href="http://content.usatoday.com/communities/popcandy/post/2010/03/wonka-candy-launches-a-real-life-golden-ticket-contest/1" target="_hplink">a golden ticket in your candy bar</a> is great. But a gold tooth? Not so much. That's what happened to <a href="http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/1694237.print/" target="_hplink">a 62-year-old British man in September of 2007</a>. He contacted Mars to try and receive compensation, but got no substantive response.

• Human Skin In Chicken Sandwich

  Kitchen accidents happen. Knives are sharp; sometimes a cook will slice off a piece of skin the course of an evening. It's understandable. Not understandable? Failing to clean up the product of an accident. That, apparently, is what happened at an Ohio Arby's in June 2007, when a man found <a href="http://msnbc.msn.com/id/7634321/" target="_hplink">a piece of human skin sitting on the lettuce in his chicken sandwich</a>. The man sued, refusing a settlement that Arby's initially offered him.

• Mouse In Popeye's Fried Chicken

  A Baltimore man was eating <a href="http://www.wbaltv.com/r/2512486/detail.html" target="_hplink">fried chicken from Popeye's in September of 2003</a> when he discovered that the fast food store had inadvertently fried a mouse along with the chicken parts.

• Syringe In Burger King Burger

  In June of 2001, 22-year-old Angelina Cruz bit into a burger from Burger King--and <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/news/2001/07/28/2001-07-28_fast-food_customer__i_bit_ne.html" target="_hplink">got pricked in the tongue by a syringe</a>. Citing HIV fears, she sued the chain for $9 million.

Follow Andy Campbell on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AndyBCampbell