Self-harm and suicide threats are amongst the most terrifying – and effective – manipulation tactics in an abuser’s toolkit. Here’s what happened when I called the bluff of an abusive blackmailer.
An extreme form of emotional blackmail is an abuser’s threat to kill themselves if we don’t do what they want. This is a low-blow, but often an effective move because it taps directly into our compassion for another human being, and our fear of being the cause of them ending their life.
Kim Saeed posted a very informative article on suicide threats as a manipulation tool. This post made made me think of all the times that my abusive ex did exactly this. I want to tell you about one of those incidents – and what happened when I called his bluff.
“Come back. I’ll kill myself if you don’t.”
We were in the middle of one of his hoovering campaigns. I’d left him, and he was trying to convince me to return. Stupidly, I hadn’t cut communications with him – mostly because I still wanted to believe that he would change. That day, we’d arranged to meet in the city for coffee. It would be a chance for him to spend time with our baby.
He arrived at our meeting point an hour and ten minutes late. Normal, for him. At the coffee shop, he largely ignored our son as he picked up his favourite topic: why I should go back to him. When I didn’t leap into his arms and weep with happiness, he stormed off, spewing curses. Thirty minutes later, he was back and he’d switched-on his nice persona.
The rest of the afternoon passed pleasantly. He didn’t drive, so I offered him a ride home. He used the drive to harangue me. I regretted letting him into my car. I had no clue how I’d get out of there, but I knew it wouldn’t be easy. We sat outside his house for over an hour, as he refused to get out unless I agreed to come in for dinner. He’d cook something nice, he promised. He wouldn’t stop me from leaving whenever I wanted, he assured me. He just couldn’t face eating alone tonight, he pleaded.
A full-scale meltdown
Photo by *sean
I didn’t cave. It triggered a full-scale meltdown. Terrifying. Screaming insults, trying to drag me from the car, baby crying in the back seat. A passer-by stepped up. He told him,”Fuck off, before you die.” I used the distraction to lock the doors. He stood in front of the car, to prevent me from driving off. I reversed up a one way street to get clear.
Within seconds, my cellphone was ringing like crazy. It was him, of course. I didn’t answer: just kept driving until I reached a petrol station about 20 minutes from his place. I needed to pull myself together before I got home. I didn’t want my family to see me shaking from head to foot. Then, I made the mistake of answering his call.
He tried to persuade me to drive back. I refused. Then came the sobbed-out words that – even though I’d heard them maybe a dozen times before – still chilled me to the core.
“Come back. I’ll kill myself if you don’t. Come back. I can’t live if you don’t come back.”
I hung up, switched off my phone. Each and every time he’d said those words (or similar) to me before, I hated him for it. I hated him for such an obvious ploy, for such a callous move, for once again shoving the responsibility for his actions onto my shoulders.
A real, pain-filled scream
Outside my home, I switched on my phone once more. Within seconds, a call. He repeated his threat to kill himself, told me he had a knife in hand. I tried to reason with him. A real, pain-filled scream. The phone went dead. I sat in the car, frantically dialing his number. No answer. Oh God. Still no answer.
A big part of me knew that this was an act. But that nurturing part of me that still cared for him cried out that maybe it wasn’t. I dialled his phone for the next 10 minutes, hanging on the line, too shaken to move from the car. Then, a call from a number I didn’t know. The guy on the line explained he was a neighbour, he had seen my man bleeding in the street. He’d come to help. Called an ambulance. My man had asked him to phone me, to tell me to meet him at the hospital.
I had to ask, before the good Samaritan revealed what the injuries were. Turns out, he’d stabbed himself in the thumb. Deep and down to the bone, but he’d hardly slashed an artery. It wasn’t a suicide attempt, of course. He inflicted a superficial wound (though a painful one that would go on to seriously compromise a tendon in that hand) just to get my attention.
Though relieved he hadn’t done anything serious, I was frightened and furious at the lengths he’d go to get his way. I resolved to stand firm, so as to discourage a future repeat. Because I refused to go to the hospital, several hours later he turned up on my doorstep, brandishing his bandaged hand like some sort of war wound.
It was proof of how much he loved me, he said. Yeah, right.
REMEMBER:
The only way to beat emotional blackmail is to know that you are not responsible for the choices of another. Giving in to blackmail tactics – even terrifying, awful threats such as suicide – reinforces the blackmailing behaviour. You’ll be a hostage until you take back your power.
Some (but not all) people who threaten suicide do go on to take their own lives, but here’s the secret: whether he does or doesn’t DOES NOT depend on you. Let him take responsibility for his own actions. His welfare and wellbeing is his job – not yours.
Photo by xJasonRogersx
Have you been on the receiving end of emotional blackmail? How did you respond, and what advice would you give to someone who is grappling with this form of manipulation?
© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14
http://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com
A bold topic you took on today and you did a wonderful job, so many people use the suicide threat as a way to terrorize and control partners or other “loved” ones, and it cannot be reiterated enough that what happens and what that person chooses to do, is THEIR choice.
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Thank you, betternotbroken. As you say, it IS their choice, their responsibility – and the only way we can free ourselves from this hideous manipulation is to refuse to give in to it.
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“I hung up, switched off my phone. Each and every time he’d said those words (or similar) to me before, I hated him for it. I hated him for such an obvious ploy, for such a callous move, for once again shoving the responsibility for his actions onto my shoulders.”
This is what they do, and it’s who they are.
Awesome post!
It’s not always suicide, but sometimes other form of emotional craziness as well.
Thank you Triple S.
I still have much to learn and I thank you for helping me to do just that. <3
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Thank you for commenting, Tee <3. I'm always interested to hear your insights. Blackmailers will essentially try anything to control their target, but threats of suicide are one of the most hateful. And, as you point out, they don't ever change because their need for power is so deep and they won't take responsibility for themselves.
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It is a shame humans can do such deplorable things to other humans.
Thank you Triple S.
Tee <3
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Reblogged this on The Cut-Throat Clubhouse Online and commented:
This is a most important read.
Seriously.
Thank you Triple S.
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Very emotional post. It’s a message many need to hear. Temporary or otherwise, insanity breeds illogical and desperate acts. Giving in only buys a little time before the bar is raised again. Holding the other person responsible for their behavior is the only way to break the cycle. Part of holding them responsible is breaking ties and not accepting the guilt. That does not lesson the emotional trauma of the process but provides a path for a better recovery later. You did good. Thank you for your bravery in speaking out.
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Hi Willy Nilly and thank you for sharing your perspective. I wanted to write about this topic because I know how deeply disturbing it was for me when my ex tried to blackmail me in this way. The sick, sinking feeling and extreme anxiety it caused… But then, that was exactly the point as far as he was concerned. I hope sharing my experience helps others who face the same thing – and I’d like to underline your point about not accepting the guilt. That’s so important to know, so thank you for sharing.
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A guy I knew in high school would do this to me on the phone. He’d call me depressed and would tell me he was contemplating taking a bunch of sleeping pills. I was 15 and had no way of getting to him anyway, but I used to sit on the phone just trying to talk to him to distract him. And of course I had no idea it was emotional blackmail back then.
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Hi Safirefalcon and thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry you encountered this, especially at such a young age. Harsh as it sounds, if you were being emotionally blackmailed then I hope you were able to free yourself from this guy. We all want to help vulnerable people, but when they manufacture vulnerability to hold us hostage – it’s really not okay.
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One verbal threat at the beginning of the relationship when I was going to move out of state…when I took the bait, the relationship moved too fast…I am blessed with the two children from that relationship, but really…I do not see myself falling for that again. Run…Far…Fast…
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Hi AoA and thank you for adding your voice here. I’m so sorry you had this experience (even though you gained two wonderful children from the relationship) but I’m very glad to hear you won’t accept it again. It’s great that you’re using what you’ve learned to help others, and I can only echo your advice to run far, fast!
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It’s because of people like that my friends and family don’t know about my recent attempt. I worry about how they would perceive my motivation for telling them than I do anything else
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Hi meansontoast. I’m sorry to hear that you have made an attempt on your life, and I wish you would have felt able to turn to your friends and family. Having visited your blog, it seems that you are actively seeking support for your depression and I applaud you for that.
There is a world of difference between what you went through, and those people who choose to use this solely to control another person.
Some blackmailers will actually go on to commit suicide (in my domestic violence support group we know of several in our area over the past few years) but my point is that nobody needs to be held hostage to their choices.
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Reblogged this on Over 40 – Dating and Everyday Life! and commented:
Wow! So true, so true! Thanks for sharing…
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Hi Hiding, I’m glad you found it interesting. Thanks for re-blogging! :)
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You have handled this topic well. :) I went through this with my ex-narcissist, too.
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I’m sorry to hear that, Lynette. It’s a horrific experience, and always good to know we’re not the only ones to go through it. Thank you for commenting.
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I have been on the receiving end. And reading this made my heart race. It takes a lot of strength to save yourself from this type of situation. I am looking for contributors to a new site I am participating in. This would be a really important topic. If interested would you email me for details? hastywords@gmail.com
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I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this. It really *is* both terrifying and devastating. And yes, I’ll email!
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